To see both sides

I tried to write this post numerous times in the last few days, but the words just wouldn't come.

Instead, there were tears.

Tears of homesickness, of exhaustion, of questioning. Tears that wanted answers - the who, what, when, where and why kind of answers. But breaking news, I am still waiting for them :)

Still waiting for a clear purpose here in China, for answers as to who I am serving and why I am here. And as hard as it is, the waiting is just as important.

So as I wait, I'm inviting you all to see both sides of my experience in China. On one hand, there is so much color, so much life that promises daily adventures. While other times, Nanjing has lost it's vibrancy - looking all too familiar, yet at the same time, foreign.

With Color

The days with color look something like traveling by train to 苏州 (Suzhou), taking a bus to the water town of 周庄 (Zhouzhuang) and wandering the cobblestone streets, tasting local delicacies such as pig feet and flavored tofu. Being a tourist is always extremely colorful - stopping to take selfies when people realize I am a 外国人 (foreigner) or surprising vendors when I speak a phrase in Chinese.

At times the vibrancy finds me in a late night KTV (Karaoke) lounge with new Chinese friends - belting out our favorite songs with no shame while nibbling on sunflower seeds and watermelon. Or couch surfing with a Finnish art student aka hippie who serves us flower tea and asks deep questions.

So much color.

Without Color

But the darkness still creeps in, at times washing away the color.

Constantly being pointed out as a 外国人 (foreigner) reminds me I am still an outsider, a stranger in this place. Where I cringe each time I hear someone call another person fat, this culture is very accustomed to blurting it out daily.

Living in an environment where phones are everywhere, always at hand, poses a challenge to be present.

When in the initial weeks contentment came from just speaking introductions in Chinese, I now long for deeper conversations and meaningful relationships.

And as for the Chinese language study - It's amazing, I love it and yes, yes, yes. But still there is a deeper hunger that continues to ask, " Why are you really here, Mackenzie?"

The traveling, the studying, the adventuring - what is it really for? Because at the end of this year in China, I pray this experience not only impacts me, but also impacts others in some way - maybe I'll never know how.

And as I held all of these emotions this past week, letting the tears come, it rained for one of the first times since coming to China. Most people rushed inside, but I grabbed my umbrella and headed out. I love the rain.

It's as the earth is also releasing it's anxiety, it's yucky feelings.

The rain was cleansing, washing away the negative thoughts, promising there would be new gifts. And there were.

Smiling to the Chinese woman on her motorbike and exchanging a few sentences, laughing with my classmates on our way back to the dorm, opening my eyes to new places in 旅游客 (traveling class) today. These were the small moments of color.

Though I am waiting for the answers to my questions, to my heart's deepest yearnings, there were pops of color today, and I'm trusting that's all I need for right now.